Spin the bottle

Jo and I went to our usual club last night. We thought about it quite a bit before going. The RSVP list looked pretty bleak. Our rational finally boiled down to “the kids don’t need us and we don’t have anything else going on”.

We arrived, put our stuff away and kind of got cornered by Tim who was there without Candy. It was interesting to hear about issues with his new house and step kids but that wasn’t why we went to the club.

After dinner was served I spotted a table with two open chairs with Sean, Martha, and another couple we hadn’t met before. We sat with them and Martha, sitting next to me, started relating a creepy/awkward/weird experience they recently had at the club.

There was some old guy, perhaps in his 80’s, who followed them and some other people into the play area. Then he tried to get involved with Sean and Martha as they were playing with only themselves. They had to rather forcefully tell him to leave them alone.

Jo and I discussed this with them and confirmed their impression of him being completely out of line. Probably the best opportunity to have prevented that would have been to have asked him, “Who is your partner?” when he followed them into the play area. Single men are not allowed in the play area and this probably would have been least confrontational means of keeping him out and from messing up their evening.

Other interesting things came out of the discussion. Sean and Martha enjoy attending and being around other people in the play area but apparently haven’t played with other people yet. At least nothing beyond some soft swap type stuff. They are, “Still figuring out what we want.” Jo and I sort of knew that because we never got a strong interest from them yet they seemed just as interested in us as anyone else.

It was game night so after dinner we sort of half-heartedly ended up playing “Who is the Biggest Slut?” After a while Martha suggested we play Spin the Bottle instead. We all agreed and had fun kissing with our new friends. The other couple wasn’t a good match for us and when Martha, again, suggested we all go to the hot tub Jo and I opted to go to the play area by ourselves.

The play areas only had one other couple in it. We weren’t really interested in them so we went off to a group room where maybe someone else would join us later and played by ourselves. We heard others enter the play area but didn’t see who it was until we were done and were leaving. It was Sean and Martha. They were “busy” with each other but said, “Hi” as we walked past.

It was a very slow evening but it was interesting and pleasant to chat with Sean and Martha and perhaps help them avoid an unpleasant experience some other time. And maybe they will be interested in playing with us when they figure out what they really want at the club.

The process

I ran across an interesting blog post about How Humans Establish Intimacy. The process for how two individuals become a bonded couple yields insight into how people “interview” one another at a sex party.

Here is how they describe it:

Stage Corresponding action Key point
1) Eye to body First look Someone catches your eye
2) Eye to eye Preening gestures Yes/no signal (given by the female)
3) Voice to voice Talking Verbal screening
4) Hand to hand
(or shoulder)
Initial physical contact Usually initiated by female
To this point these behaviors occur publicly or in social settings
5) Arm to shoulder Bodies closer together Possible isolation
6) Arm to waist More intimate contact Likely while withdrawing from public
7) Mouth to mouth Kissing Less likely to be in public between an unbonded pair
8) Hand to head/face   Probable isolation
9) Hand to body Sexual contact Isolation
10) Mouth to breast Foreplay Isolation
11) Hand to genitals   Isolation
12) Intercourse   Isolation
Repeat steps three through 12.   In bonded pairs up to stage 8 often publicly displayed indicating bonding


This is a process that humans unconsciously follow. It cannot be stressed enough that it is an act of mutual consent, participation and trust. Although apparently sexual, its real purpose is getting to know and establishing intimacy, trust and commitment with another person.

It should also be noticed that the woman controls the primary stages. It is at her initial signal of acceptance or interest that gives the male the “go ahead” to approach her. If the female has not sent the signal and the male approaches her anyway, he will probably be rebuffed. (It is not uncommon for socially inept men to misread the innocent actions of a woman as such a signal or to simply decide not to wait. This does result in a lot of unwanted attention).

Furthermore, it is the woman who usually initiates the first physical contact, thereby telling the man that she is sufficiently interested in pursuing this interview. If the male attempts to initiate it, he will often fail the interview and be perceived as too aggressive or grabby.

There are, obviously, some differences but there are a lot of similarities and some useful insights that should help people be more successful at a sex club.

The big difference is that the isolation is almost never part of the process at a sex party. Another significant difference is that some or even most of the steps in the process may be skipped. When these steps are skipped it is always with the permission of the participants. The permission frequently won’t be articulated but there will be signals given to indicate moving to an later step is acceptable or desired.

I already knew about the female initiating touch being a big signal. But what can be irritating to me is that some women do this just for the fun of getting a man’s attention with no real interest in taking things beyond flirting. They just like the attention of a man and perhaps drawing their attention away from other women. It can be a “display of power” type thing without any intention of taking things further.

The one item that I wasn’t really aware of was “Preening gestures”. The blog post says these are unconscious and interpreted unconsciously. I’ll have to watch more for these and see if it can help me better judge whether a woman is interested in me or just being polite when she talks to me.

Alternate reality

This is an interesting article about swinging from the woman’s viewpoint:

The intimacy comes from knowing that they can engage in the swinging lifestyle but still be connected together on an emotional and physical level that no one else can come between. It is exhilarating to know that your husband is willing to let you explore your sexual fantasies without being angry, jealous, or mean, and it also increases the trust and respect for your husband on a daily basis. In fact, a swinger wife has more trust in her husband than many wives because she knows what is going on at all times.

The openness of the relationship also increases the intimacy. Many women keep secrets about what they truly want in their marriage, both on an emotional and physical level. A swinger wife doesn’t have to be scared to tell her husband what she thinks or what she wants, because she knows that he is willing to do what it takes to make her happy and will not judge or persecute her no matter what she says. Swingers enjoy this open trust, communication and honesty, that many couples will never be able to have.

While I don’t think this, or a lot of the rest of the content in the article, is universally true there is a fair amount of truth in it. When you are with “straight/vanilla” friends and family you sometimes want to burst out with your shared secret when they perseverate about something immediately dismissed in the our lifestyle.

Someone might have been flirting with your spouse and they might have flirted back? What’s the big deal? In our world you would have coached your spouse on how to take things further or if they weren’t interested how to signal your disinterest. Or you might have given your spouse a smile and a nod indicating you were interested in the other person’s spouse and to “step things up” a bit if they wanted.

It wasn’t until after three months and a couple dozen dates that someone had sex for the first time with their girlfriend? Wow! We “move on” if after chatting for a few minutes we find out the other couple isn’t interested in having sex that night.

Someone says they have sex once or twice a week and think that is about right? We have sex nearly once a day and sometimes three or more times in a 24 hour period and that is what seems normal to us.

You fantasize about having two men having their penis in your vagina at the same time? It’s okay to share that with me. I think that’s exciting too! We can arrange that if you really want to try it.

The “straight world” doesn’t relate to the things and talk about on a nearly daily basis. We live in, what is in many ways, an alternate reality.

Yes. We share something special between us and it’s exciting to explore this “alternate reality” together.

Hot and loud

Jo and I went to a different club last night. We didn’t have very high expectations. Jack and Danielle told us they went there just for the “meet and greet” aspects. It wasn’t a very good to place for play.

We were disappointed in even that aspect. Most of the facility was way too warm and the room with the hot tub was very humid. The main socialization area had music and a dance floor but it was too loud to talk to people.

We saw and talked to a few people, including Jack and Danielle, we knew from other venues but no one new. We left by about 10:00 PM and were home in bed having sex with each other by 11:00.

Orgasm facts

15 facts about orgasms. Some were, like, “Well DUH!” But some were completely new to me. And many enhanced my knowledge of some things I already knew.

I did not know this:

11. “Coregasms” are real. Alfred Kinsey found that about 5% of the women he surveyed reported one or more such orgasms [2], with more recent studies finding even higher numbers. However, they’re perhaps more appropriately termed “exercise-induced orgasms” because women don’t just have them during core exercises—they can also have them during yoga, running, weight lifting, and even jazzercise.

I like number 13 the best:

13. Frequent orgasms are associated with better health. In fact, some research even suggests that orgasm may provide a boost to the immune system.

You aren’t feeling well? You are concerned you might pick up “Something going around the office?”

Then what you need are a bunch of orgasms. Let me help you with that!

We’ll have to try this

This sounds interesting:

there’s a lot of individual variability and some men and women like other positions (e.g., rear-entry, side by side, etc.), so I guess the real question is how do we define the “best” sexual position? Some might argue that the best position is one in which both partners reach orgasm at the same time. If we go with that definition, then the position of choice would probably be the coital alignment technique (CAT). The CAT has been studied extensively by scientists since the 1980s, and research has found that it significantly increases the likelihood of female orgasm during intercourse and enhances the odds of simultaneous orgasm.

think of the CAT as a modified missionary (i.e., man-on-top) position in which he leans his body forward to the point where the base of his penis touches the clitoris. The partners then “grind” or rock their pelvises back and forth so that his penis and her clitoris stay in constant contact. This stands in stark contrast to the typical in-and-out thrusting that you see in porn.

I frequently do put effort into getting the base of the penis to make contact with the clitoris but I hadn’t thought about doing the grinding motion to maintain contact. Jo and I will have to try this and see if we can make it work.

Is that weird? Part two

Last night Jo went to a concert her son was performing in. I went to our usual club alone.

I’ve been watching other men and it seems they touch the women a lot more than I do. It is a way to signal your interest and as long as it is not inappropriate touching it probably is appreciated by the women. Jo seems to like it so I have decided I need to do this more.

I saw Kim at the bar as I walked in. She was talking to some people and and as I walked past I patted her shoulder and smiled at her. She smiled back and kept talking to her friends.

I dumped off my pack with towel and robe in a locker and went to the snack area. I had some deep fried cheese and some melon slices for a snack and observed the people chatting in the lounge area. Tammy was looking particularly hot in a low cut gown and I complemented her on it but she might not have heard me because she didn’t respond.

The groups were sort of closed and I didn’t want to squirm my way into them, especially as a single guy. I went to the drink area and got myself a glass of lemonade. Joan came up to me and asked about Jo and how things were going for me and she told me about her new job. Her husband Sam came by and the three of us talked for quite a while. A single women I had never seen before came over and introduced herself. It turns out she wasn’t new. This was her first Wednesday party though. She barely talked but she listened as Joan, Sam, and I chatted away.

I saw Uriah walk by and I was pleased. We had really hit it off well the last time I saw her and I was thinking that maybe things could go a bit further this time.

People were sitting down with plates of food before Sam, Joan, and I decided it was time to get in line at the buffet table. I looked in the dining room for a table and saw Kim at an empty table but no Uriah. I asked if I could sit with her and she said, “Of course!” So I sat my glass of lemonade down and went to get food.

I sat with Kim and asked if she was going to do the Karaoke thing most of the night like she frequently does. She said she wanted to practice some for the competition on Saturday so she was going to do at least some. We chatted about her upcoming divorce. She has a court date finally and is looking forward to getting it over with. Elmer and Fran sat down across the table from me and we all chatted for a while.

Then Uriah asked if she could sit down beside me and I quickly agreed. It was almost like she was continuing the conversation from last time. She talked a lot about her boyfriend and how she was coming to the club, by herself, in part to make him happy. She enjoyed the dinner and enjoy the conversation but it was all just a little different and weird to her. Especially her boyfriend wanting her to have sex with other men.

Janice walked by and stopped to give me a big kiss and I squeezed her butt as she continued on to her table. Ahh… touching and kissing is so nice…

The Karaoke started and we couldn’t really talk and my back was facing the stage so I got up to refill my glass with lemonade and check my phone. Jo had texted me asking how traffic had been getting to the club and I texted back that it had been really slow and how it had taken me more than twice as long as usual to get to the club.

I went back into the dining area and chose a different chair on the other side of Uriah such that I could see the Karaoke and still be next to her. As I leaned forward to talk to her the front of my shoulder touched her the back of hers and she seemed to like the touch and we talked while continuing the touch. After a couple of songs I was getting cold and asked if she would like to go to the hot tub where we could talk better and I could get warmed up.

She agreed but said she wasn’t sure she wanted to do anything further. And that she hadn’t really planned on doing even that. The indoor hot tub was empty and so we could easily talk there. She talked and talked about her boyfriend. And what did it mean that he wanted her to have sex with other men, but he wouldn’t say he loved her? And she was coming to the club, by herself, to make him happy why wouldn’t he do little things for her to make her happy? One time when they came to the club together she wanted him to dance with her during one particular song and he refused. Why was that such a big deal to him? On two different occasions he had invited a friend over and telling them he wanted them to have sex with her and she did. He mostly watched. She had a good time but she wasn’t very comfortable with her boyfriend pushing it when she wasn’t all the interested until it got started. Did this mean he cared for her? Was this weird?

I told her about this blog and the blog post where I wrote about her and that I had probably explained things better in the post than I had when we last talked. She said she would definitely read it.

We talked for long time and three other people got in the hot tub with us but we ignored them and had our own conversation. Then without me seeing it coming she sat astraddle of me and gave me a big kiss. She pushed her breasts toward my face and I kissed them. We kissed and touched for a few minutes then I said I was getting too hot. The hot water below and her blocking the air flow around my upper body was causing some serious overheating. Plus a hot tub isn’t the most comfortable place to take care of the increasing arousal. We dried off and went off to the play area. We continued the talk and the touching. She told me she really liked oral sex and fucking. I ate on her for a while and she clearly enjoyed it but I was still very hot and couldn’t really get an erection even after her performing oral sex on me. We left that area and went to a different place that was somewhat cooler. Again I tried without any real success to get an erection and ended up performing more oral and manual sex. She really liked my “vibrator mode” fingers inside of her and squirted profusely. Gretchen who was nearby listening and sometimes watching commented, “Good job!” After a few minutes my arms were tired and we went back to talking.

This was the first time she had sex with someone other than her boyfriend at the club. She was still trying to understand everything. She had only had about seven or eight sex partners in her entire life (she is in her fifties) and most of those had been in the last four or five years. She enjoyed this and was looking forward to telling her boyfriend all about it. She was sure he would be pleased and proud of her. She kept saying that she expected a sex club to be scary and uncomfortable but she felt strangely at ease and comfortable. Even having sex with other people watching and sometime commenting. And with someone other than her boyfriend who she didn’t really know that well. And having sex with someone so that she could go home and tell her boyfriend all the details? Wow! Is that weird? She was sort of beginning to understand. It isn’t all that weird. It’s entirely natural and comfortable for some people. It’s only weird because for many decades she didn’t know people actually did that and that the expected standard was that if you had sex with someone other than your one committed partner then you should be shamed and rejected instead of sharing and enjoying the experience.

After a while I asked her to eat on me some and she was happy to do so. As the evening progressed the play area had cooled down some and I was more comfortable with her and I was eventually able to get an erection and we had intercourse. She was enthusiastic and after a few minutes we both came and l was a sweaty mess as I lay down for a few minutes more to talk. She was very pleased and certain that telling her boyfriend all the details was going to be rewarding.

We knew it was getting late but not how late. I checked the time. It as 11:20! We hurriedly gathered our stuff and left. I took a quick shower, put on my clothes, and walked with her across the dark parking lot to our cars.

Jo had texted me a few minutes after I had last texted her and asked if I had any prospects. It was now 11:30 and I decided that it was too late to text back. She was surely asleep by now and I didn’t want to wake her.

Separate rooms

Last night Jo and I went to the house party again (our first and second visits). As we anticipated Jack and Danielle were there. We talked to them and quite a few other people but before long Jack asked us if we wanted “to take the upstairs tour”. Of course he meant that as in invitation to have sex with Danielle and him.

We were hoping that would work out so we all went upstairs to the bedrooms. Danielle said that one of things they didn’t ask when we met them for drinks was what we were “into”. She prefers to be in separate rooms. Jo and I had never done that but I was okay with it and Jo said it was fine with her too so Jack and Jo went into one bedroom and Danielle and I went into another.

We got undressed and laid down on the bed together. She explained that she just felt better not seeing and hearing Jack when he was having sex with another woman. I told her that I enjoyed watching Jo with another man but I can understand how it might be better for some people to be in separate rooms.

She started asking questions about what we thought about the meeting we had on Thursday evening and that lead to a bunch of questions about my mentally ill ex-wife, and she told stories about people she knew with mental health issues. She told me how incredibly beautiful Jo is and how she should emphasize her height instead of sometimes trying to minimize it. She talked about how they “go hunting” for compatible couples at a party. It was a great conversation. We ended up just talking for probably 30 minutes or more while people came and went in the bedroom. Some talked for a bit with us or commented on how nice we looked together.

Finally  she said, “Why don’t we go see what they are doing?” So we got up and went to the doorway of the other bedroom to watch Jack and Jo having sex for a while. Then we went back to “our” bedroom and she told me, “Make your move.” I laughed and told her she could “make her move too”. So we started the foreplay much more earnestly than just the simple stroking of breasts, chests, arms and legs.

Just as we were staring to have intercourse Jack came in to use the bathroom accessible through our bedroom and commented, “You guys still aren’t done?” We laughed and continued to do our thing.

After we were done we put our clothes back on and went downstairs to mingle some more. Jo was dancing with some other women and occasionally a guy or three. I checked in with her and she said she had a good time with Jack and “would do that again”.

We chatted with a bunch of different people. These included:

Plus several other people that were becoming familiar faces from our visits.

It was interesting talking to Kathy. This was their second party ever. The first was at the hotel where we met them the first time. She was telling some other people that the previous party was the first time she had sex with anyone other than her husband in 22 years and that it was with me. Jack overheard and said, “It must have been good because you are here!” She asked me a bunch of questions and made observations about how difficult it is to find people that you are both attracted to and they are attracted to you. I agreed and said that Jo and I will sometimes go to a half dozen or more parties without playing with anyone other than each other. “Oh good!”, she said, “I don’t feel so bad about being picky then.” I shared what I could which I thought would help her come up to speed on how things work and how to be successful and not get into uncomfortable situations.

Jo got many more offers to have sex but she turned them down. About 10:30 she asked if I was ready to go home, and did I want to play again with her here or when we get home. And I said, “Why not both?” “Oh! That could work too.”, she replied. So we went back upstairs to one of the bedrooms. Calvin and Jerri were there with another couple and Frank and Kathy were there by themselves, except for the dozen or so other people in the room. Jo and I had sex with each other and watched other people as we did. Then we drove the 90 minutes home, went to bed, had sex again. When we woke up late this morning we again had sex.

We were pleased with the party. We had a really nice time.