Interesting research:

New research suggests that not all casual sex is bad. For those legitimately interested, it can boost life satisfaction and self-esteem and lessen anxiety.

…

By the end of the study, 42 percent of subjects reported having sex outside a relationship. When it came to those who were sociosexually unrestricted, having casual sex was associated with higher self-esteem and life satisfaction and lower depression and anxiety. “Typically, sociosexually unrestricted individuals (i.e., those highly oriented toward casual sex) reported lower distress and higher thriving following casual sex, suggesting that high sociosexuality may both buffer against any potentially harmful consequences of casual sex and allow access to its potential benefits,” the researchers write. Additionally, feelings of authenticity “amplified” the beneficial psychological effects, but did not spur them, as hypothesized. Surprisingly, the researchers did not find any negative effects on well-being in those who were sociosexually restricted but had casual sex anyway.

I know that if I am monogamous for a year or more then I get into a bad state of mind. It’s difficult to think about anything but having sex with someone new. I also get irritable and depressed.

I feel really good after Jo and I have a nice sexual experience with others. As Jo said after one particularly enjoyable evening, “That was fun!”

From the New York Post:

The wild night began Saturday in a tavern in College Point, Queens, where boat owner Craig Gallo, 51, James Benenato, 60, and Mary Ann Belson, also 60, began chatting between drinks, another source said.

Neither of the two men had met Belson before.

Gallo, who lives in New Jersey and works for a financial company on Long Island, invited them aboard for a moonlight cruise. And before very long, the boat was rocking.

The joyride ended abruptly at the end of Runway 22, where the boat got impaled on a lighting stanchion.

…

Before the wreck, “a consensual three-way sex endeavor was going on,’’ the source added.

“There’s a moral here: If you’re feeling amorous aboard a boat, I suggest you drop your anchor before you drop your pants.’’

I’ve participated in more MFM threesome than I can enumerate without making the news. These people were doing it wrong.

I ran across an interesting blog post about How Humans Establish Intimacy. The process for how two individuals become a bonded couple yields insight into how people “interview” one another at a sex party.

Here is how they describe it:

Stage	Corresponding action	Key point
1) Eye to body	First look	Someone catches your eye
2) Eye to eye	Preening gestures	Yes/no signal (given by the female)
3) Voice to voice	Talking	Verbal screening
4) Hand to hand (or shoulder)	Initial physical contact	Usually initiated by female
To this point these	behaviors occur publicly	or in social settings
5) Arm to shoulder	Bodies closer together	Possible isolation
6) Arm to waist	More intimate contact	Likely while withdrawing from public
7) Mouth to mouth	Kissing	Less likely to be in public between an unbonded pair
8) Hand to head/face		Probable isolation
9) Hand to body	Sexual contact	Isolation
10) Mouth to breast	Foreplay	Isolation
11) Hand to genitals		Isolation
12) Intercourse		Isolation
Repeat steps three through 12.		In bonded pairs up to stage 8 often publicly displayed indicating bonding

 

This is a process that humans unconsciously follow. It cannot be stressed enough that it is an act of mutual consent, participation and trust. Although apparently sexual, its real purpose is getting to know and establishing intimacy, trust and commitment with another person.

It should also be noticed that the woman controls the primary stages. It is at her initial signal of acceptance or interest that gives the male the “go ahead” to approach her. If the female has not sent the signal and the male approaches her anyway, he will probably be rebuffed. (It is not uncommon for socially inept men to misread the innocent actions of a woman as such a signal or to simply decide not to wait. This does result in a lot of unwanted attention).

Furthermore, it is the woman who usually initiates the first physical contact, thereby telling the man that she is sufficiently interested in pursuing this interview. If the male attempts to initiate it, he will often fail the interview and be perceived as too aggressive or grabby.

There are, obviously, some differences but there are a lot of similarities and some useful insights that should help people be more successful at a sex club.

The big difference is that the isolation is almost never part of the process at a sex party. Another significant difference is that some or even most of the steps in the process may be skipped. When these steps are skipped it is always with the permission of the participants. The permission frequently won’t be articulated but there will be signals given to indicate moving to an later step is acceptable or desired.

I already knew about the female initiating touch being a big signal. But what can be irritating to me is that some women do this just for the fun of getting a man’s attention with no real interest in taking things beyond flirting. They just like the attention of a man and perhaps drawing their attention away from other women. It can be a “display of power” type thing without any intention of taking things further.

The one item that I wasn’t really aware of was “Preening gestures”. The blog post says these are unconscious and interpreted unconsciously. I’ll have to watch more for these and see if it can help me better judge whether a woman is interested in me or just being polite when she talks to me.

This is an interesting article about swinging from the woman’s viewpoint:

The intimacy comes from knowing that they can engage in the swinging lifestyle but still be connected together on an emotional and physical level that no one else can come between. It is exhilarating to know that your husband is willing to let you explore your sexual fantasies without being angry, jealous, or mean, and it also increases the trust and respect for your husband on a daily basis. In fact, a swinger wife has more trust in her husband than many wives because she knows what is going on at all times.

The openness of the relationship also increases the intimacy. Many women keep secrets about what they truly want in their marriage, both on an emotional and physical level. A swinger wife doesn’t have to be scared to tell her husband what she thinks or what she wants, because she knows that he is willing to do what it takes to make her happy and will not judge or persecute her no matter what she says. Swingers enjoy this open trust, communication and honesty, that many couples will never be able to have.

While I don’t think this, or a lot of the rest of the content in the article, is universally true there is a fair amount of truth in it. When you are with “straight/vanilla” friends and family you sometimes want to burst out with your shared secret when they perseverate about something immediately dismissed in the our lifestyle.

Someone might have been flirting with your spouse and they might have flirted back? What’s the big deal? In our world you would have coached your spouse on how to take things further or if they weren’t interested how to signal your disinterest. Or you might have given your spouse a smile and a nod indicating you were interested in the other person’s spouse and to “step things up” a bit if they wanted.

It wasn’t until after three months and a couple dozen dates that someone had sex for the first time with their girlfriend? Wow! We “move on” if after chatting for a few minutes we find out the other couple isn’t interested in having sex that night.

Someone says they have sex once or twice a week and think that is about right? We have sex nearly once a day and sometimes three or more times in a 24 hour period and that is what seems normal to us.

You fantasize about having two men having their penis in your vagina at the same time? It’s okay to share that with me. I think that’s exciting too! We can arrange that if you really want to try it.

The “straight world” doesn’t relate to the things and talk about on a nearly daily basis. We live in, what is in many ways, an alternate reality.

Yes. We share something special between us and it’s exciting to explore this “alternate reality” together.

15 facts about orgasms. Some were, like, “Well DUH!” But some were completely new to me. And many enhanced my knowledge of some things I already knew.

I did not know this:

11. “Coregasms” are real. Alfred Kinsey found that about 5% of the women he surveyed reported one or more such orgasms [2], with more recent studies finding even higher numbers. However, they’re perhaps more appropriately termed “exercise-induced orgasms” because women don’t just have them during core exercises—they can also have them during yoga, running, weight lifting, and even jazzercise.

I like number 13 the best:

13. Frequent orgasms are associated with better health. In fact, some research even suggests that orgasm may provide a boost to the immune system.

You aren’t feeling well? You are concerned you might pick up “Something going around the office?”

Then what you need are a bunch of orgasms. Let me help you with that!

This sounds interesting:

there’s a lot of individual variability and some men and women like other positions (e.g., rear-entry, side by side, etc.), so I guess the real question is how do we define the “best” sexual position? Some might argue that the best position is one in which both partners reach orgasm at the same time. If we go with that definition, then the position of choice would probably be the coital alignment technique (CAT). The CAT has been studied extensively by scientists since the 1980s, and research has found that it significantly increases the likelihood of female orgasm during intercourse and enhances the odds of simultaneous orgasm.

…

think of the CAT as a modified missionary (i.e., man-on-top) position in which he leans his body forward to the point where the base of his penis touches the clitoris. The partners then “grind” or rock their pelvises back and forth so that his penis and her clitoris stay in constant contact. This stands in stark contrast to the typical in-and-out thrusting that you see in porn.

I frequently do put effort into getting the base of the penis to make contact with the clitoris but I hadn’t thought about doing the grinding motion to maintain contact. Jo and I will have to try this and see if we can make it work.

Anyone that has spent time at a sex club can tell you that on average women are FAR more noisy during sex than men. This is old news but it’s also true in other primates. The reasons are still somewhat under debate:

Female chimps often cry out during sex to attract nearby males, but they keep quiet when other females are around so they don’t alert their competition, a new study finds.

The function of copulation calls made by female primates (a group that includes lemurs, monkeys, and apes, such as humans and chimpanzees, our closest relatives) has been debated for years.

…

“The female chimps we observed in the wild seemed to be much more concerned with having sex with many different males, without other females finding out about it, than causing male chimps to fight over them,”

Another observation is:

Female monkeys may shout during sex to help their male partners climax, research now reveals.

Without these yells, male Barbary macaques (Macaca sylvanus) almost never ejaculated, scientists found.

There are lots of topics for discussion here but the thing I find most interesting is that this is something apparently hardwired into the brains of many primates. I’m certain most women don’t consciously think, “I’m going to make a bunch of noise during sex to attract more men so they can have sex with me too.” However I wouldn’t be surprised if there are a fair number that have had occasion to think, “Maybe if I make some noise this guy will come and it will be over with.”

I found this video (H/T to Justin J Lehmiller) about animal sex relates to what I see at our favorite sex club:

It is in the last couple of minutes that Carin Bondar tells of certain species, such as the hyena and the elephant, where the female has anatomical feature that prevent male sexual coercion. These species are matriarchal. The females have nearly all the power.

At our sex club the founding of the club was by a male/female couple with the female the driving force. She made the rules and worked to make the club a place that was comfortable for the women. Men are not allowed in the play area unless escorted by a woman. A woman only has to say, “No” once to any man giving her unwanted attention. If he doesn’t get the message management will explain it to him in no uncertain terms. He will be banned from the club if the message isn’t received.

There are many single women that attend the club. They wear revealing clothes (or nothing) on the dance floor. They flirt and touch the men that interest them. They have their pick of who their playmates are.

“Taking one for the team” is strongly discouraged. You don’t have sex with someone you aren’t interested in just so your spouse can have sex with someone they really want. Women tend to be more selective than men. Hence, what this means is that in couples the women are the primary selectors of who the couple will play with. If she isn’t attracted to the man or thinks the woman is “too attractive” she can nix a relationship with those playmates. The men have input but seldom drive the selection process.

As in those animals species described by Bondar a change in sexual rules changes the balance of power.

Update: I should have mentioned this book which addresses some of the same issues: Sex, Time, and Power: How Women’s Sexuality Shaped Human Evolution. I highly recommend it.

Bob: You’re leaving me!

Jo: It’s something I have to do.

Bob: I don’t want you to leave.

Jo: I’ll come back.

Bob: How do I know that is true?

Jo: I’m not putting on any clothes. I promise I’ll come back to bed.

Bob (pouting): I’ll miss you the entire time you are gone.

Jo (laughing): You are such a goof.