Free ranging

One of the couples we know well attends a lot of club parties. They have been doing this for about 20 years and Jo and I started observing them in action. While they do interact with others as a couple while chatting they never play with just another couple in the same room at the same time and frequently don’t play with another couple. They do a lot of what Jo calls “free ranging” with frequent checks with their partner.

They end up playing with others far more frequently at clubs than we do. It sort of makes sense. Finding another couple where Jo likes the guy and I like the gal is more difficult than finding just a guy or gal that each of us like.

That is basically what we did at the house party a couple months ago. And a couple weeks Jo had a similar experience where there was a hot single guy who was interested in her and there weren’t any couple or single women available for us or me by myself. She had a great time with the young stud and then we had a great time together when she got home.

This free range then appears to improve our chances of getting some play time with other people. Jo had to “break some new ground” in regards to feeling comfortable with me being with another woman when she was without someone. She says she is entirely comfortable with it, so maybe learning from the pros is working.

It’s about the people

Jo was seriously considering giving up on meeting people via swinglifestyle.com. We have had a long string of disappoints topped off with one couple that became “the head of the rude list” and other couple that made the “head of the weird list”.

After seeing their “hot date” notice on SLS on Wednesday morning Jo sent them a message. They responded positively, there were a couple more message via SLS, then a couple more via normal email before exchanging cell phone numbers.

They were coming in from out of town for a few days for a local, non-lifestyle, event and were interested in meeting us to see if there was a connection.

Last night, we exchanged a few text message to arrange a meet at a local restaurant for dinner. They arrived on time, we ate dinner together, had a great time talking over dinner, and they followed us home for some play time.

It all went well. They were very pleasant in all respects and they invited us to visit them in their town sometime.

SLS can work out. It’s the people, not the venue.

Breaking new ground

Jo and I went to a “house party” last weekend. It wasn’t what we really think of as a house party. There were probably 30 or 40 couples at a large house rented for the weekend. It was a very nice facility and we enjoyed hanging out in the sun next to the river.

Due to various circumstances we drove separate cars and arrived at the same time. We hung out, visited with people, and ate dinner. Jo didn’t see anyone of interest. And the one woman that drank too much and vomited on the living room carpet was a real mood killer. Her date should have taken her home as soon as it was clear she had way too much to drink which was long before she vomited.

We chatted quite a while with Jack and Danielle who put on their own house parties which Jo and I really like. We all agreed the planners for this party didn’t do all that great of a job. It was too small to be a party where everyone could find a good match and there was no vetting of those who attended to make sure they were “all on the same level” as Jack put it. At their parties everyone is very “frisky” as Jo puts it. As soon as everyone is at the party and the doors are locked people pair off (or join a group) and start having sex. There is virtually no hesitation. Everyone has been in the lifestyle for many years, all are about the same age, all are in decent physical condition, and we all know what we are there for.  It’s a very advanced “level”. This party had a wide range of “levels” in all dimensions and it was tough get a good match.

But there were a couple women I was interested in who also showed an interest in me. After we had been there four or five hours Jo decided to go home and told me to stay and see if I could play on my own. Jo really did seem okay with it so I stayed and played with one of the woman.

Jo had some errands to run and we ended up getting home at almost the same time. She asked how things went and said this was breaking new ground for her. She felt entirely comfortable with it. Nice.

She did add that she probably would need to attend the party and see who I was playing with. Just going to a party by myself while she was at home probably wouldn’t work out well. I would much rather she go with me anyway and I doubt I would be interested in leaving her at home to go play on my own. But it’s good to know that she is comfortable with me playing with someone at a party even if she doesn’t see anyone of interest to her.

Party park

Hmm… this could lead to something interesting:

In 2008, sexual activity was decriminalized in the most famous and popular park in all of Amsterdam, Vondelpark (which receives 10 million visitors per year). However, to avoid problems with the police, it’s important to know that, under this law, sex is restricted to nighttime and, further, making excessive noise and/or leaving a mess behind (like used condoms) can get you in trouble.

There are house parties, party houses, hotel takeovers, campouts, and now it appears possible to have a party park.

Casual sex enhances psychological well-being

From Social Psychological and Personality Science:

Casual sex has become a normative experience among young people, raising concerns regarding its well-being consequences. Prior findings on main effects of casual sex on well-being are mixed, suggesting possible moderating factors. Using longitudinal and weekly diary methodologies, this study examined the moderating influence of sociosexuality, a stable personality orientation toward casual sex, on psychological well-being (self-esteem, life satisfaction, depression, and anxiety) following penetrative (oral, vaginal, or anal) casual sex among single undergraduates. As predicted, sociosexuality moderated the effect of casual sex on well-being on a weekly basis across 12 consecutive weeks, over one semester, and over one academic year. Sociosexually unrestricted students typically reported higher well-being after having casual sex compared to not having casual sex; there were no such differences among restricted individuals. Few gender differences were found. Findings are discussed in terms of authenticity in one’s sexual behaviors.

I suspect that if they did the study for older people they would find similar results. I know I find “casual sex” enhances my psychological well-being.

Mountain lodge

Jo and I just got back from a weekend at a mountain lodge with a small group (about 20 people) of swingers. We didn’t have very high expectations because most of the people there were not a good match for us, but we hoped to make some connections.

We had some fun. We went for a moderately long hike (nearly six miles) and saw some beautiful scenery. We laughed a lot with Janice and talked and kissed with Tanya. I was interested in both Janice and Tanya but there wasn’t really anyone of interest to Jo. There was one couple (Sebastian & Ruby) that showed up late from over four hours away where the guy was a good match for Barb. But the woman is probably 30 years younger than me. I questioned whether she would have any interest in me anyway. They hooked up with Tanya and Ichabod.

Late on Saturday evening I did manage to get Sebastian and Ruby into a conversation and things seemed to go very well for while. We talked about swinging quite a bit and they were quite interested in one of my hobbies unrelated to sex. Jo thought “this is going to work” but there was a medical emergency event with someone in the hot tub and it “spoiled the buzz” for everyone.

As we were leaving the next morning Ruby was in the kitchen as I was searching for a quick breakfast. She was very friendly and I gave her my card with more information about how to get involved in the hobby they expressed interest in. She seemed enthusiastic about it. So maybe we’ll hear from them again sometime.

Tanya told us about a couple swinging podcasts she really likes:

I’ve downloaded the first few episodes and am going to start listening to them.

She also raved about how much they enjoy lifestyle cruises.  She and Ichabod have gone on three now. Jo and I are going on one in October of this year and I hope we don’t have our expectations too high after all the praise she has been giving them.

Men who fantasize about their wives with another man

Interesting article by Justin Lehmiller:

“cuckold porn” is second only to “youth” in heterosexual porn searches.

From an evolutionary perspective, the idea that a guy would take pleasure from watching his wife with another man is counterintuitive. Historically, men have gone to great lengths to avoid being “cuckolded,” or finding their wives impregnated by someone else. Not only does cuckoldry limit men’s ability to “spread their seed,” but it forces them to expend scarce resources raising someone else’s kids. The fear of cuckoldry is thought to be a key factor that shaped how our male ancestors approached sexual relationships and, to this day, is considered by many scientists to be the reason men tend to get more jealous (often violently so) about their partners’ sexual infidelity than women.

Increasingly, scientists favor a biological explanation based on a growing body of work on sperm competition. Research shows that when one woman mates with several men, those men can display behavioral and biological changes intended to increase their likelihood of fertilizing her egg—without even realizing it. For example, when men masturbate to porn featuring multiple men having sex with the same woman, their ejaculate contains more active sperm than it does when they beat off to an all-female threesome, according to a 2005 study of 52 men. Other research has found that men report thrusting faster and deeper during sex when they suspect their female partner has cheated, presumably as a way of displacing rival sperm. These findings suggest the provocative possibility that men are “wired” to find cuckold scenarios arousing because they promote behaviors that help their own sperm win a raging intra-vaginal sperm war.

I don’t have a better explanation than the hypothesizes in the article or above but I know something is going on with me.

An example. Jo and I were at Club Topaz last night. I played with Miriam while her husband,  Mitch, was with Racheal (Jo was with Racheal’s friend Lane). After Miriam, Mitch, Racheal, and I were done Miriam and Mitch left. Racheal and I cuddled while watching Jo and Lane. We cuddled and petted for a long time before finally having sex with each other. Watching Jo with another guy and knowing Racheal had been having sex with another guy shortly before me was very arousing.

Quote of the week: Lawrence Lanoff

I believe women can never cheat because I don’t own my partner’s genitals. And If I fundamentally believe I don’t own my partner’s genitals, then cheating is not possible.

Lawrence Lanoff
January 6, 2017
I Don’t Believe a Woman Can Cheat. Ever

I’m not entirely in agreement on this. A couple could agree to be monogamous or have some restrictions on who they play with. Violation of the agreement would be “cheating”.

Still, I think Lanoff has a point worthy of more than a little consideration.

Going mainstream?

This is a very friendly and accurate article on non-monogamy as we know it. A sample:

My husband and I met when we were very young, and after being together for a while we realised we wanted to try different things sexually. I had always been attracted to other men and wanted to experience sex with a woman.

Then when I was travelling I had an affair. As soon as I came home I told my husband and we decided to have an open relationship. He went on to find a lover. Then we had a threesome with the man I had slept with and from then on decided to have a completely open relationship (an arrangement that’s been in place now for 10 years). We both travel a lot for work, so we tend to meet lovers while we are away. We have also gone to swinger clubs together.

This is from The Guardian. Are we going mainstream?