Category Archives: Random

Research on lifestyle relationship quality and STIs

Via Justin J. Lehmiller.

Interesting:

Relationship function, satisfaction, commitment, and passion were about the same in both consensually non-monogamous and monogamous relationships. Furthermore consensually non-monogamous couples had lower jealousy and higher trust.

But what about STIs?

STIs appear to be less frequent in consensually non-monogamous relationships than those which claim their relationship to be monogamous. The suggestion in the video is that condom usage is more frequent and STI testing is more frequent in consensually non-monogamous couples and that this accounts for the less frequent STIs. I don’t have a data set of sufficient size without bias that could be useful in answering this question but I have a couple points that make me wonder.

A lifestyle woman in her 50’s told me that she estimated she has had sex with 600 men in her life. I asked about condoms usage and STIs. She claimed she didn’t use condoms with them and that the only vaginal infection she sometimes gets is bacterial vaginosis. But that she also sometimes gets this even when she has not had a different partner in quite some time. This website agrees, “Bacterial vaginosis is more common in women who are sexually active. But it can occur if you are not sexually active as well.”

Barb and I were somewhat shocked at this woman’s claim. A few months later a friend and I were discussing our mutual sexually prolific friend on a closely related topic and I mentioned the estimated 600 men. My friend said, “That’s nothing!” She went to suggest she herself had sex with far more than 600 in her ~65 years. I didn’t ask about STIs but she does have a condoms required policy.

Further personal research revealed other women with large numbers of partners, low condom usage, and STI infection rates that would appear to be similar to “monogamous” couples.

I could have a bias in my thinking because I’ve been reading An Epidemic of Absence: A New Way of Understanding Allergies and Autoimmune Diseases. This book claims that because we have created a much more sterile environment to live in than that which we were originally evolved in we have a much higher rate of autoimmune disease. And in fact, infection with certain diseases at a relatively young age gives us immunity for dramatically different diseases much later in life. When infected with the same organism later in life the infection is quite detrimental.

The base hypothesis is that humans had a symbiotic relationship with parasites, bacteria, and viruses for 100s of thousands of years then in a (evolutionary) blink of the eye exterminated as many of them as possible. Some needed to be exterminated, such as small pox, but many, while exacting a cost, performed an important function. Minimizing contact with all microscopic organisms may not be the best game plan.

Could it be that somewhat frequent exposure to low levels of STIs, such as kissing and oral sex with a wide variety f people, cause an immunity to such bacteria and viruses?

Domestic violence in lesbian relationships

I found this fascinating:

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC)’s 2010 National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey reported on the lifetime prevalence of rape, physical violence or stalking by an intimate partner, focusing for the first time on victimization by sexual orientation. In their study, there was a victimization prevalence of 43.8 percent for lesbians, which made it the second most affected group after bisexual women (61.1 percent), ahead of bisexual men (37.3 percent), heterosexual women (35 percent), heterosexual men (29 percent) and homosexual men (26 percent).

I find it odd that lesbian relationships have such a high rate of domestic violence. But that bi-sexual women have over a 60% incident rate is just mind boggling.

My impression of women in the lifestyle is that there is a very large population of bisexual (or at least “bi-situational”) women. My “pull a number out of the air” guess is something on the order of three fourths of the women enjoy playing with both men and women.

I have to wonder if permission, and even encouragement, to access both genders reduces the incidence of DV.

Good to know

Last October Jo and I went on a lifestyle cruise and were somewhat surprised to see people who had to be in the 70s, and perhaps 80s.

Perhaps we shouldn’t have been so surprised:

A 2007 study published in The New England Journal of Medicine found that the majority of older people who were married or had intimate partners were sexually active well into their 80s.

Many of them reported having intercourse, oral sex and masturbating even in their 80s and 90s.

The Singles in America survey, funded by Match and conducted by Research Now, is the latest to prove sex isn’t just a young person’s game.

Sterilization is a turn on for me

After my ex-wife and I decided we had enough children we both got sterilized. Condoms sometimes fail, we didn’t use them with all playmates, she was allergic to the spermicide used with diaphragms, she didn’t want to be taking hormones for another 20 years, and she was somewhat careless with birth control anyway. On my side I really didn’t want to risk getting some other woman pregnant.

For some reason I found it sexually exciting. After the surgery I was told, “No ejaculations for a week.” I could hardly wait. The frustration of that week was extreme. I thought about sex nearly constantly. “This is a little odd”, I thought.

That was nearly 30 years ago and I can still give myself an excitement boost by thinking about being sterile when I’m having sex. This is especially true if I know the woman is probably fertile and the only thing preventing her from getting pregnant is that I had a vasectomy.

My positive experience isn’t all that unusual:

Results revealed that of those men, 12.4 percent reported having sex more often after the vasectomy, while only 4.5 percent of men reported having sex less often. In addition, vasectomized men reported better erectile function, better orgasms, more sexual desire and overall more sexual satisfaction.

I may be a little weird but I’m also consistent. I also get excited knowing a woman has been sterilized and is having sex with a fertile man.

Progress in HIV research

STIs are a major concern for many people in the lifestyle and HIV is probably the most feared. After several years in the lifestyle my ex-wife and I had our last sexual contact with others at a Memorial Day weekend party in 1983. We stopped because of the concern about HIV. Once or twice a year we cautiously, with condoms, played with others who had also “taken a break” for a long time. It wasn’t until 1995 that lifestyle things sort of returned to normal. Condoms were required except for “closed communities” of select couples who also restricted themselves to playing within our “community”.

Now there is some significant hope for a HIV vaccine  and perhaps cure:

Scientists have engineered an antibody that attacks 99% of HIV strains and can prevent infection in primates.

It is built to attack three critical parts of the virus – making it harder for HIV to resist its effects.

The work is a collaboration between the US National Institutes of Health and the pharmaceutical company Sanofi.

The International Aids Society said it was an “exciting breakthrough”. Human trials will start in 2018 to see if it can prevent or treat infection.

Party park

Hmm… this could lead to something interesting:

In 2008, sexual activity was decriminalized in the most famous and popular park in all of Amsterdam, Vondelpark (which receives 10 million visitors per year). However, to avoid problems with the police, it’s important to know that, under this law, sex is restricted to nighttime and, further, making excessive noise and/or leaving a mess behind (like used condoms) can get you in trouble.

There are house parties, party houses, hotel takeovers, campouts, and now it appears possible to have a party park.

Going mainstream?

This is a very friendly and accurate article on non-monogamy as we know it. A sample:

My husband and I met when we were very young, and after being together for a while we realised we wanted to try different things sexually. I had always been attracted to other men and wanted to experience sex with a woman.

Then when I was travelling I had an affair. As soon as I came home I told my husband and we decided to have an open relationship. He went on to find a lover. Then we had a threesome with the man I had slept with and from then on decided to have a completely open relationship (an arrangement that’s been in place now for 10 years). We both travel a lot for work, so we tend to meet lovers while we are away. We have also gone to swinger clubs together.

This is from The Guardian. Are we going mainstream?

All women lie

I found this fascinating:

I then asked, “How many of you would like to date a nice, sweet, kind man?” Hands started going up. I then said, “Let me put it another way. How many would like to date an arrogant, flashy guy?” The hands went down. In fact, not a single woman raised her hand. I pointed this out stating, “Not one of you raised your hand and that’s why you lie.”  I then said, “But here’s the problem. You don’t even know you’re lying.” Researchers have found discrepancies in what a woman says she wants in a dating partner and the man she actually picks to date.

For example, researchers at Rice University wanted to know if a man flaunting a flashy red Porsche would get more dates than a man in a more economical car like the Honda Civic. They conducted a study asking a woman to pick whom she would most likely go out on a date with, the Porsche guy or the Civic guy. The researchers found that most women picked the Porsche guy. But there is a catch. A woman was most likely to select the Porsche guy for a date, but the Civic guy was more desirable to marry.

We probably have evidence of this in other areas as well. Kind, gentle, stable, “good provider” type men have difficulty attracting women. Many women find them boring. When I started dating again after breaking up with my wife one of the things I put in my online profile was that many people consider me the most interesting person they know and that life is never boring with me. This was despite being able to claim all the “strong, dependable, kind, good provider” type of qualities desired in a life partner.

I didn’t go looking for comparable data for men but I’ll bet there is a similar pattern there as well. Men are attracted to “flashy women”. A woman who flirts with them gets immediate attention even though she is probably flirting with other men as well. We see this at the sex parties we go to. The women dress very provocatively and flirt with a variety of men. This appears to be a very successful strategy at the parties. They are looking for playmates, not life partners, and this dress and behavior increases their selection pool.

This bit of insight is something I probably should put to use when we go to sex parties. I’m an introvert and shy. I should compensate in some fashion to attract women. Women certainly do it. I need to figure out how do dress and act such that I increase my selection pool as well.